Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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