You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
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answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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