i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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