My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
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I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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