i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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