you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
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I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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