someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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