$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
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took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
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This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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