Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize