Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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