I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
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We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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