I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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