ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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