someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
stop calling my apartment porn island.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize