i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
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Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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