Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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