Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
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How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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