I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize