I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize