Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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