I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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