Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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