The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just blew my weed a kiss
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There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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