She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
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you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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