Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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