I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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