If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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