I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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