I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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