Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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