I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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