Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
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All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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