There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
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What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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