so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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