The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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