You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
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I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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