i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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