I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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