oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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