i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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