Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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