Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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