Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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