I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
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Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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