Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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