I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize