I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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