I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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