Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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