when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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